★ trigger warning: narcissistic relationships ★ I already know that today’s topic is going to be controversial, so let me preface a few things - I understand that there are plenty of high school sweethearts that get married and live a wonderful life together, however, I also understand that people stay in their high school relationships throughout college because it’s just what feels comfortable, but the relationship falls apart later on in life. I’m the kind of person that likes to stay hopeful in relationships. Going off to college, all four of my roommates and myself came into our college experience in a relationship in one way or another, whether it was something long-term, short term, or casual. We all had hope for our relationships, even though none of us were actually in a relationship with someone who went to our school. Now, living in a space with four other girls who were also in long distance relationships was comforting at first, but within a few weeks, our relationships started dropping like flies. We were all very supportive of each other, but once the third breakup happened, there started to be some resentment from those who weren’t in relationships towards those who were. After a semester of getting drunk phone calls at 3 am almost every night, I realized that I couldn't do it anymore. I had to let this person go, even though they had been a large presence in my life for the past 4 years of high school. Before I ended it, I really analyzed the relationship. What was making it not work? Was it just the distance? Or had I just been trying too hard to make it work for too long? Whatever it was, I was burnt out and our relationship was running on fumes. I quickly realized that my relationship from high school wasn’t made to last because that's all it was - a high school relationship. When I use this term “high school relationship,” this is what I mean. This relationship was based on convenience. It wasn’t based on love or respect. It was very petty and there was virtually no communication skills between the two of us. In high school, we would be going on dates one minute, then breaking things off and seeing other people the next. This pattern between us went on for years. Throughout this pattern, I had developed this sense of not knowing who I truly was. Everybody knew us for always being together, whether we were dating in the moment or not, and it really took a toll on me because I didn't know myself outside of this relationship since I wasn’t experiencing any personal growth. This relationship actually prevented me from experiencing self growth. I was constantly pushed to look a certain way and act a certain way and do certain things that don’t align with my character today. I was a completely different person who was stripped of her identity in what I now know was a relationship with a narcissist. If I gained weight, we weren’t dating anymore. If I missed a party, he would meet someone else there and blame me for not being there. If I needed to hear a familiar voice to talk down my anxiety, he would be too busy to answer his phone. Yet, I was expected to pick up the phone when he called, stay faithful at parties that I went to without him, and not make comments on his body since his was in “good condition” by his personal definition when mine wasn't. When college started, He started love bombing me, trying to get me to not leave. He would call me on my walks to class and before bed. He even got me an expensive christmas present as a last attempt to save the relationship, but I couldn’t do it anymore. I was drained. When I came back to school after christmas break, I decided that I was going to live my best single life and manifest happiness. I started going out with my friends more because there was no phone call I had to wait for. I started talking to more people in my classes because I didn’t feel guilty for talking to other guys. I was glowing with happiness and it showed in everything I did. If I hadn’t put myself out there and started living my best life, I wouldn’t have met the man I am with today and love so much. A little less than a month after we got back to school, I went to a party with all of my friends and started talking to this guy that I really hit things off with. We talked, we kissed, we exchanged numbers, and had a really good night. For the first time in a long time, I had finally felt respected by a guy and I was truly happy about it. After this night, we started hanging out more and going on dates. We spent so much time together that my roommates eventually didn’t even need to ask where I was when I didn’t come home. They knew I was with someone that made me happy and that they could trust to keep me safe. Gage, my now boyfriend, has been the best thing to ever happen for me. He is my biggest supporter and my best friend. He was the first man besides my dad to tell me that I was beautiful and he has made me realize my self worth. He pushes me to do my best everyday and makes communication easy. We have been together for a little over a year now and I wouldn’t trade our time together for the world. I am finally feeling like myself again. Not every high school relationship is going to be narcissistic. Like I said before, I know that there are plenty of high school sweethearts out there that have very successful relationships. These signs are more for the people who are unsure if their relationship is going to make it through college. Here are some red flags: ★Your relationship is one-sided One of you puts more effort into making the relationship work than the other ★You question your self worth Your partner makes you feel that you aren't enough for them, even if its just sometimes ★You question your identity You feel like you're not the same person you used to be OR you wish that you could try something you wouldn’t be able to while in your relationship ★You can’t communicate without someone being petty Neither of you have worked out a way to communicate respectfully and efficiently - anything can turn into a fight ★You fear that your partner is a narcissist Your needs aren’t being met and your partner blames you for that rather than taking responsibility. Now, I'm no relationship expert, but I do know what it's like to be in a healthy relationship. Healthy relationships are ultimately the ones that are successful in the long run. They are what make you feel like the best version of yourself. They are what make you feel truly loved by your partner. A few things that go into a healthy relationship: ★Trusting your partner You and your partner have mutual trust. You can honestly share anything with each other and expect them to treat you with respect ★Practicing good communication You talk things out regularly. You avoid arguments by talking about what upsets you right away rather than letting it bottle up ★Supporting one another You and your partner encourage each other to be the best versions of yourselves. You celebrate the good stuff together and you grieve the bad stuff together ★Having time to yourself guilt free Sometimes, we can all use a break. You or your partner can go out with friends or make a self-care appointment on your own and feel good about it without a guilt trip ★Making sure you and your partners needs are met You and your partner communicate what you need from one another, whether it is mentally, socially, or physically, and you are able to meet those needs and/or compromise if those needs can’t be met right away. I wanted to share my story today because it is getting to that time of year where people going into college are beginning to question staying in their relationships for college. I was one of those people who definitely questioned their high school relationship going into college, and I ignored all of my worries, making things harder for myself in the long run. I have learned so much about relationships since I started college and I wouldn’t have been able to do that without ending that high school relationship and cutting off communication with that person. Gage makes me feel like I am the best version of myself. I have gained so much confidence, self love, love for him, and trust. I know not every relationship looks the same, but what the relationship is based off of should typically look the same. Find someone who encourages you and supports you guilt free. Find someone who will be your best friend through all of the good and the bad. Find someone who lets you live your best life. Happy dating! xo, The Undergrad
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AUTHORCamille Baron is a 20 year old attending the University of Utah and is in her third year as a Strategic Communications major. She strives to educate college women like herself to achieve their full potential in all aspects of life. ARCHIVES
July 2020
CATEGORIESAll Business And Professional College Culture Education Health And Wellness Self Care Travel |